I want to apologize to those of you who may have clicked on my site because the tag line, “You are never alone” seemed like a potential lifeline of sorts. I’m honest enough with myself that I know only a handful of people visit my site, but I am always in prayer for just one to find a blessing here. I don’t have any plans to change the tag line because I believe these words with all my heart. I know God, the Creator, is always with me, and I am never alone as I face my daily battles, and yes, my victories. He has kept his promises in every aspect of my life, and I will spend every day, for the rest of my life trying to tell others about his faithfulness and love for all of us.
In this last year, however, I am learning the true definition of loneliness, and frankly, it stinks. I knew I would face the unknown when I asked my husband of thirty-one years, that we take a break to sort things out. I’m not pulling any punches here. One of the reasons I asked him to leave was because I had felt so very alone for years, when he was right next to me. As a Christian woman, this was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, knowing that God hates to see a family divided, let alone, divorce. But I believe He could see that my faith was growing stronger, and my ex-husband was drifting farther and farther away. I still wanted to try, even while apart, but he washed his hands of all of it.
We barely blinked and he moved in with his new girlfriend. Just as there was no break between the woman he was with before he met me, he dove straight into a new relationship, even though we had been together for over three decades. After processing the loss through tears and getting over the pain of the finality of it all, I came to realize that he just doesn’t know how to be alone. At least saying that made me feel better.
In all honesty, even though I love going to dinner by myself now and then or go to a movie that I want to see, and the fact that I love to travel alone, I thought I had this ‘alone’ thing in the bag. But as many of you have already discovered, being alone and being lonely are two very different things. I have been experiencing true loneliness for the past few months, and it is so, so hard. I’ve always managed to busy myself to avoid having to face my own thoughts, but there comes a time when you have nothing but yourself, and that can be a fearful thing.
So, if you will allow me, I want to make up for my insensitivity to those who have truly been lonely. Sometimes you just want to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, speak to what really hurts, be able to share your hopes and dreams. To show you that I finally ‘get it,’ I want to share a few thoughts about being alone, and what I miss.
I hope knowing that ‘you are not alone’ in being lonely, might make today just a little easier.
- At 58, raising my grandsons, by myself, romantic prospects are nil.
- Having tried the dating sites, although exciting at first, just reminded me of what I don’t want.
- Just dealing with the day-to-day grind of ‘mothering’ again, alone, can be daunting.
- I miss a good cuddle, feeling cherished, loved, and protected.
- I’ve hit that point that I don’t receive texts, phone calls, etc. Unless it’s about the boys.
- Low moments are evident when I seek solace from Facebook, only to find not one person has made a comment on a photo or meme I’ve shared, while my neighbor has over one hundred ‘likes’ for a new hair style.
- Feeling sorry for myself because I’m preparing for my second surgery in less than a year, and my grown sons have yet to even ask if I need anything, or if I would like for them to just be nearby.
- Having someone say, ‘good morning’ and to drink my morning coffee with.
- Wondering why I seem to be doing all the ‘staying in touch,’ but no one checks on me.
- A partner that wants to join me for my morning Bible study.
- A partner that prays with me, for me, for us.
- The intimacy that results from having a connection like that.
- Having someone hold me close before falling asleep, telling me they love me.
- Dwelling on numbers 11-13 too much, then asking God, how long?
- Meeting someone for dinner on my way home from work, just because.
- Being able to cry from a sad movie or story and no one making fun of me for it.
- Shopping with a girlfriend, going to lunch.
- Going to church and have someone sit beside me with his arm around me or holding my hand.
- Hearing a message at church that moves me to tears, and not made to feel foolish.
- Praying that no matter what, I will be able to wake to a new day, ready to try again.
Your thoughts or comments are always welcome. May God bless you, and I pray you will find whatever it is you’re looking for.