My good friend told me months ago to be prepared. She said that without warning, everything will feel like it’s crashing down, and I would fall apart. Having had more experience with divorce than she had planned, I believed her. I had forgotten about it until she reminded me this week. Lying in my bed, crying for the umpteenth time, she reminded me that this could be that time.
I don’t know why I am compelled to share these events in my life with the world, or with the five of you that actually read my blogs. I sincerely write from my heart hoping I can help someone else, or at least let them know they aren’t the only ones who go through ordeals on what seems to be a daily basis or make mistakes hourly as I seem to.
The pressure cooker probably started to shake a week or so ago. I was made to see once again that my ex-husband seems to be a different person than the man I knew. We are supposed to be co-parenting our grandsons, but I had to learn the hard way that he decided to take a trip out of state with his new girlfriend again. He failed to tell me of his plans, and I wouldn’t have even known about it if I hadn’t called him needing his help with the boys. Thank God it wasn’t an emergency. Needless to say, I was extremely disappointed and in disbelief.
Also, for the last three months, I was in a texting and email relationship with a gentleman that honestly rocked my world. For the last ten years, I have felt unappreciated and unattractive, to be honest. Having met on a dating site, we just hit it off, at least in words. Yes, I know all about the dangers, scams, fake profiles, etc. Believe me, I know all about them. But in a nutshell, this man made me feel good about myself, to the point that my friends and coworkers even commented on how good I looked and how happy I seemed. I was probably happier during this time than I have been in years. No lie.
Long story short, I don’t know what happened. There’s no other way to explain what changed everything, other than to say that perhaps my insecurities decided I was getting too close and I freaked out. Unfortunately, many of the things from his end started to sound like ‘scam’ material, and some of my friends were trying to get me to call him out on them. In my own way I would find out answers I needed, then things would be fine again. Honestly, I didn’t want to think anything badly about him because I was happy. The details aren’t really that important. What is important is that I had good reasons to doubt certain things, but I didn’t handle it well, at all.
With all that transpired, I have every reason to believe that our friendship is over. He acknowledged and understood where I might have suspected a scam. I acknowledge and realize that I accused him of something before really asking any questions. He deserved that, at the very least, based on the communication we had shared. I’m not dismissing his potential wrongdoing, but for myself, I am saddened over how it ended. And if he’s reading this right now, I may be a genuine fool, but I want him to know that I still want to believe him.
As silly as it may sound, I came to love his ‘friendship’ more than anything else. He filled a loneliness that I was experiencing during my separation and eventual divorce. My husband had been my best friend for those 31 years, even though our romantic relationship had long been dead. That friendship was severed the day he found another woman to replace me, just weeks after we separated. My online friend filled that painful void at a time when I needed it desperately, and I am grateful to him for that. I can’t help but wonder if I would still be married today if my husband hadn’t just tried a little harder to say those things I needed to hear. We’ll never know, and I believe it’s his loss.
The final straw that put me over the edge was the news that the daughter of a close family friend who bears the same name and age as our daughter died just a few days ago. At the age of 28 years old, she literally drank herself to death. She had been in the hospital for a couple of months, but they just couldn’t save her. I was sitting at work when I learned of this, and the grief over my own daughter swept over me like a wave. On top of being upset, again, with my ex-husband, grieving the deep loss of my new ‘best friend’ that had made me feel so alive, and then the ‘too close to home’ news about our friend’s daughter, I just lost it. I literally could not hold in my sobs. I’m tearing up again as I write this.
I was moving on about one hour’s sleep, and the tears just kept coming, off and on, all day long. Even after picking the boys up from day care, the crying continued throughout the evening. My dear friend had been in touch with me throughout the day, consoling me as best as she could. As I said at the beginning, she reminded me that when I least expect it, the pain will knock me down. It most certainly did. I am in full blown grieving mode, and it is indescribable.
But my dear friends, there is no way I can leave this story on a low note. In my written prayers this morning, I wrote to God that even with all the pain I am feeling right now, I have HIS joy in my heart. His unspeakable joy that gets us through the worst of times. As I have quoted often, we are not human beings having spiritual experiences… We are spiritual beings having human experiences. This world is not my home. My heart is broken for a season, but my joy in the Lord gives me eternal hope. If you’re hurting or grieving for any reason, please find comfort in these words.